Sunday, March 30, 2008

Making community coffee is rocket science

So I’ve already discussed the making of water, ice water, melted ice water, whatever it is people are making in the break room at work. The next interesting thing to observe is the making of coffee.

This should be very easy. I think it is. We have the coffee machine. The people who run the cafeteria, stock the supplies. They put the regular packets of coffee in one drawer. They put the decaffeinated packets in another. Decaffeinated are the green packets. Not to be confused with the regular packets, which are red. However, you should make the decaf/unleaded coffee, in the urn that has the Orange top. The regular coffee has no special lid, just black. Why don’t they make the top GREEN, so it matches the coffee packet color? They have coffee filters also. Maybe this isn't so simple after all. It all looks like this.

They even have posted up instructions on how to make coffee. Some people can’t read very well. The only confusing part is on the machine itself. There is a “FULL” and “HALF” brew buttons. Pushing Half, means half the water, or double strength coffee.

So I’ve wasted half an hour over the last four years making note of how many ways you can screw up coffee.

First, what the instructions say:

Remove and empty the ground holder, preferable into the trash can over by the wall.
Place a new filter, one, into the ground holder.
Choose ONE packet of coffee. Regular goes in the unmarked urn. Unleaded into the Orange topped one.
Push the “FULL” button and wait for the coffee to brew.
Place cup under urn. Push button to dispense coffee.

Let’s go over some of the other amusing methods.

I’m too stupid to make coffee.
These people walk up, peer at the vile that shows if there is coffee or not. Even when it doesn’t show any, they still grab a cup, put it under the urn and push the button. No coffee comes out, or a few drops with some grounds in it. They look at the empty cup, toss it on the counter, or in the trash if we are lucky. They then walk off to go find the next break room and see if their mom has made any coffee for them in that break room. Why someone born into a home with a butler to make their lazy keisters coffee, is now working in data processing is another puzzle.

The double bagger into the full pot
These people like coffee and like it strong. At least they try and make coffee. They follow the instructions, but they use two bags and not one, making the coffee double strength. This places it up on the StarBucks meter. It's bitter and with a full pot of this stuff......

The single bagger into the half pot
These people like coffee also and like it strong. They push the “HALF” button to only make half a pot. This is probably a good thing, as there is much less double strength coffee to pour down the sink when it starts to solidify. I think these people are a tad lazy. They only want to be bothered with opening one packet of coffee. Hey, they get theirs. You get yours.

The double bagger into the half pot
You can tell when someone is really into coffee as they take two packets of coffee and put them both into the hopper and then push the half button to only dispense half the load of water which makes the coffee look like melted Hersheys chocolate they are not lazy because they really like to open up the two packets of coffee but they are usually in a hurry and only want to wait around while half the water dispenses they never stick around to see when the hopper is so full of coffee grounds and water that it overflows all over the place but they do love their coffee strong and looking like sludge

The double bagger into a full pot. Followed by another push of the button, for a diluted batch of double strength coffee
This is an interesting method of brewing coffee.
First, you empty the hopper into the trash. Then, you place one filter into the hopper. You then add two bags of coffee. You then place the hopper into the machine and press FULL, for a full load of water. You stand around and wait until it brews. You then press the FULL again. So you first brew a double strength batch, followed by a half strength batch, all in the same urn. WHAT?! Isn’t that just regular coffee? I guess the people that brew it this way have a lot of time on their hands.

I hope none of these people ever try and work for StarBucks, or is it StarYucks.

I think I’ll start always making Cowboy Coffee. Know what that is? Unfiltered. Let your cup set a bit, so the grounds drop to the bottom.

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